Are you stuck in a trauma bond?
When I was in the middle of a very toxic marriage, I didn’t even know what a trauma bond was.
What I did know, was that I was terrified of leaving. I completely lost who I was. My self-confidence was shattered, and I kept trying to fight for what I wanted, and dare I say, and for what I thought I actually had.
Looking back, it still brings anxiety to me. Life was confusing.
I was trying so hard to make things work.
On one hand, when around other people, my former husband would act like he was so proud of me, and I would here him say things about me, that did not equate to what was talked about in our private home, or line up with the treatment I was receiving
An example of this would be how much he would talk up about what a great voice I had and that I brough a lot to the praise and worship team at church. And, while at home, would criticize me about not giving the family priority…. for context, I was a stay at home mom, and only spent about two nights a month away from family (after preparring the meals and having to come home to clean up the mess).
I think I was also told that marriage was hard, so I had to “work” it out.
What I learned, however, among many things, is that I was stuck in a trauma bond.
It wasn’t until I had re-gained my courage – I will share my first experience of going to a counselor, which was so dramatic, I almost did not go in to my first appointment because I was shaking so violently – through the help of a counselor, a coach, and a friend who kept my confident, that I could actually walk away to see if anything would change and it my relationship could become better.
It is unfortunately, but my relationship showed itself for what it was.
What is a trauma bond?
This will really only make sense if you are stuck in a trauma bond with an abusive partner…
- You have lost sight of who you are before them
- Your spark, confidence, identity, activities you love slowly fade while you fight for their love
- There is hope that they will change, even though the patterns repeat
- You defend their behaivor to others, even when it is hurting you
- Exhaustion sets in because you try to explain/justify whey you stay, but deep down, you’re not even sure yourself
- The highs, euphoric. The lows, soul-destroying
- You are addicted to those rare moments they are kind; crumbs, keeping you stuck
- You convince yourself that if you “just try harder”, were calmer, were more understanding… that things we not be as bad as they are
- The thought of leaving feels terrifying, even though staying is breaking you.
- The pain of walking away makes you feel scared, even though you are drowing while staying
This is not love.
This is survival disguised as connection
And, it is not your fault.
You are NOT crazy.
You are in a trauma bond.
And, that is why breaking free feels so impossible.
What you really need, is the right kind of support so you can break free.
Breaking free can look like becoming free from the emotional hold, or walking away.
All of this can feel so overwhelming. I know.
As an encouragement, being on the other side is more freeing than I ever imagine. I no longer have to second guess, or carefully craft anything I say. My emotions are acceptable, by me and others. My thoughts are not crowded with potential retaliation and the fear of it. I do not face judgement, or false accusations any longer. I can express myself free.
The post-traumtic syndrom subsides.
The second-guessing yourself calms.
Because trauma, big or small, has a way of dimming your light.
But you don’t have to stay in the shadows.
There is a way to break the chain and finally be free.
Even when you are surrounded by evidence that you are worth more … a part of you deep down still doesn’t believe it.
And maybe … just maybe … I’m the person you’ve been praying for.
If this resonates, message me. I’d be honored to walk with you on your next step forward.
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